Time is precious

This may seem a little jumbled, but the truth is that my brain is a jumbled mess, constantly.

This would have been my mum's birthday, but she is no longer here on this earth with us.

I still mourn at times...not on a daily basis, but when I do, it is just as deep and hurts just as much as if losing her was yesterday. I miss her terribly! I know she is in a better place, but that does not stop me from missing her and wishing that she were still here. I am sad that my little girls never got to meet their grandma, that Arran doesn't even remember her, that they don't have her to love them and spoil them. She doesn't get to share in my joy of seeing them grow and change, she is not here to give me much needed advice, or be my listening ear.

As my life progresses and my role expands, I continue to be amazed at how much she achieved and accomplished, at times in the face of such adversity. I feel like for so long, we really were not that close and then, when I had my son, something changed. I finally had a new respect and understanding and appreciation for her and all she had done and been through. So many things that I'd felt critical over, suddenly made so much sense to me. There are many things I wish I could ask her, or thank her for, that now of course, I can't.

There were times, in my self-righteous, ignorant days, that I was so disapproving of the way she was, or the way she did things, but the reality is, I had no clue.
Her priority was her family, her children, and she sacrificed so much for each of us. As a teenager, I remember being embarrassed, at times, of her lack of style, but the truth was, she bought us nice clothes, new clothes, and shopped at charity shops for her own.

I was a daddy's girl growing up and do not ever remember feeling a strong bond with my mother, yet I see my relationship with my own children and am overwhelmed by the love and affection I have for them and I know that she must have felt that way about me. That in itself has brought me healing. For a time, when I was insistent that I did not want children, there just was no desire or appeal, she would tell me

"Oh, but you'll feel differently when they are your own"

and she was right, because of course she was speaking from experience. She knew already, what I know and feel now. I don't think she was very good at expressing it or showing it but I know how she felt. I know how much she loved me and how much each of us meant to her.

I am so grateful that I married a man who is affectionate, openly loving and who has taught me to say "I love you!". We constantly tell our children that we love them and our children tell us and each other. The hugs and kisses flow freely and it is as natural as breathing, or eating and sleeping.

We never know when our time will end. Sometimes we lose people without warning, before we've had the chance to say a goodbye and all the thank yous and I love yous. I feel that is what happened with my mum and I regret that. She was a wonderful woman whose time was cut short. I believe that she could have been here with us longer, but due to the damage done to her body, in essence because of the negligence of others, God chose to spare her from a life that would have been filled with misery and pain, and instead took her to be with Him. She is free in every sense of the word, no more doubts, pain, uncertainty, expectations to fulfill, the worries and strains of this world left far behind her.

One day we will meet again - I have that assurance and faith that the best is yet to come!