Who would have thought?

I find myself in a strange emotional state right now. I am about to leave my husband and children for the first time and up until now have been in denial as to how that will truly affect me. In the last couple of days I have found myself observing them in their every day activities and interactions, more closely, and realizing just how much I am going to miss every little detail. I have been avoiding even thinking about it, for fear of the flood of emotion, but it is becoming unavoidable.

It takes a good reason for me to leave, and in this instance it is my brother's wedding. This will be an important day for him and I truly debated whether or not to go...there is financial outlay, as well as the emotional upheaval, but I feel like I need to be there. He is my family, my flesh and blood and of course with mum no longer here, I feel, even more, that I have to be there.

I doubt that I will know what to do with myself, maybe I will just sit and rock in a corner as the tears roll down my cheeks? Well that would be awfully silly! I plan on catching up on some sleep, maybe some reading, some old friends, and we will see what else. No doubt I will write about it here and maybe even include some photos.

Of course, I have to make it there first, which is another stress in and of itself. I will be flying stand-by and with that comes no guarantees. The first flight I am listed on is on Monday morning at 7:30am, which means I have to leave my house at 3:00am to get the airporter to be there on time, I will most definitely need some extra sleep at the other end to recover from that one!

Happy Father's Day

These three little munchkins adore their daddy! He is such a wonderful father, so caring, fun, loving and kind. When he walks in the door at the end of the day, yells of

"DADDY! DADDY!"

erupt as they run to fling arms around his waist, or knees. Asia does a daddy's-home-dance which consists of running round the kitchen in a circle as fast as she can (which is not very fast).

He has so much love to give to those in his life. He wears his heart on his sleeve and we are all better people for being loved by him. I love to see him with his children, he does not hold back any part of himself and showers them with love and affection. There is no fear, they know they are safe and loved and cherished.

Happy Father's Day my love! Thank you for being the best daddy and giving me the amazing gift of these beautiful children.

Me and my girl

There are never enough photographs of me with my kids, because I'm always the one behind the camera. So about a year ago I decided to be more intentional about setting up the tripod or handing the camera to other people. When Asia was just a few months old, I was quite consistent, but I have slacked off and need to get back on top of it.

It might be an awful thought, but if anything were to happen to me, it would break my heart to think that my children did not even have photographs to look back on, of us together. I am with them every day, but there is rarely documentation to that effect.

Last weekend we were at a party of some good friends of ours, I actually had a bit of makeup on (which really does help, although lack of it should not be a hindrance) so I grabbed Asia, handed the camera to James and asked him to take a few shots. A couple of them actually turned out pretty well, which encourages me to keep doing this.

Sweet dreams

I LOVE it when my children are sleeping. No, it is not just the peace and quiet (which I do enjoy) it is being able to peek at them, peaceful, all innocence, it just blesses me. When they are napping, or at night before I go to bed, I just cannot help myself, I have to catch a glimpse and have my breath taken away once again. I am never disappointed.

Yesterday at nap time, Bryttain was being a little monkey. She was in and out and up and down, long before the other two had crashed. I myself was desperately tired (once again due to Miss Bryttain who continues to insist on waking up EVERY night around 12-1am, since the forced departure of her dummy/pacifier) so I suggested she lay down with me and cuddle. That lasted all of five minutes. She informed me that she wanted to go back to her bed, then a few minutes later asked if she could sleep in her room on her dog. I was approaching la-la land by that point and told her groggily that was fine.

It was about ten minutes later that it registered what she had asked and that it was finally quiet, so I forced myself to go and investigate. There, lying in the middle of the kitchen floor, fast asleep was my precious girl, who had finally crashed. She was indeed on top of the kids' huge dog with a blanket.

It was too cute, and ridiculous all at once. I have no clue how she comes up with these ideas.

Oh hi doggy! Please forgive me for all the times I have wanted to get rid of you
because you are so big. You were made for such a time as this!

MY baby

I look at Asia now, my baby, but it seems there is not much baby left. She is growing up so quickly.

I adore everything about her; her big blue eyes, her chubby cheeks and legs and belly, the way she reaches up her little arms when she wants a cuddle. She is my little shadow, always with me. She loves to be with me, sitting on my lap, grabbing my legs, whenever I sit down, she is the first to clamber up.

She loves to dance, any time she hears music, she instinctively starts to move. Her little shoulders start to shimmy and a grin breaks out across her face, before you know it her hips are moving and she's twirling or jumping.

She is determined and adventurous and resourceful. She does not expect everything to be done for her, she figures out ways to help herself, to achieve what she needs. She is full of laughter and joy and I cannot help but smile when she is around.

I am SO in love!

Precious moments

Well my friend Melinda, who let me take some maternity shots of her a few weeks back, had her baby a little over a week ago. Ever since, I had been itching to get over there and have my first attempts at newborn photography.

Well it finally happened!

James had a meeting canceled, so I jumped on it and called right away (as I needed him to be around to watch our little ones), flew to the city, drove around forever trying to find parking, then raced back home. It was an adventure.

Little 'Miss A' is adorable. I got a little teary-eyed holding her, in all her new tiny perfection, knowing that I would never hold a newborn of my own again (not withstanding a miracle of course). It's such a precious, wonderful stage of life, that is gone in the blink of an eye.

This is exactly why I love photography so much; I live so much in the present that it is hard for me to remember, as I look at my children now, how they were. Photos can take me back there, bring the memories and feelings flooding back in an instant. What a privilege to be able to help preserve that for others too.

She refused to sleep for me, which you would not know from the photos. Here is a little sneak peek.

How to break a mother's heart

This morning was Asia's 18 month check-up and Arran also had to have a TB test. All was fine until we walked into the Dr.'s office; Asia must have suddenly had a flash-back and turned around to grab my legs as she started wailing and Arran darted under the chair to hide. To top it all off, the nurse informed me that the doctor would be running late as another doctor was sick and so our doctor was absorbing some of the sick doctor's patients. Joy oh joy, we had extra time for the anticipation to build!

When the male nurse came in to do Arran's shot, Arran completely lost it, sending Asia, who had since calmed down, back into total terror. There I was holding a screaming baby, trying to coax out my five year old who was adamant that this was not going to happen. The nurse looked at me, looked at them and said he would go and get someone to help. Another nurse came back in with him and I suggested that she hold Asia so I could help deal with Arran. Asia was not happy, but Arran did not need to be held down by strangers at this point. Unfortunately it was not enough. Poor Arran was yelling and screaming and struggling so much that the nurse had to go and get a third helper. My poor boy was crying

"Mommy! Save me!"

as we finally did the deed. It really was horrible.

Needless to say...there are NO photos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!