A little sadness

It is amazing how a single thought can change so much. This day was meant to be about Bryttain. It was her birthday, this spunky, beautiful, fun little girl turning five! We are also preparing for our trip home to England in just over a week(!) and suddenly, out of the blue, it hit me again that I would not get to see Mum.

It is easy in my day to day life to pretend that she is still around, after all, it is not like I got to see her much after my move to the States. Of course I do not actually pretend, I am fully aware that I will not see her or speak to her, but somewhere in my subconscious she is still a part of 'home'. My sister had mentioned something about her gravestone and that was what started it all.

Did I want to go to her grave site?

Would I want to take the kids?

Was there really any point?

I just felt so incredibly sad, all over again, that my daughters have never and will never meet her. That Arran has no recollection of her, that she has not met these wonderful little girls, or been able to see the boy that Arran is growing to be. All the conversations we were never able to have, all the thanks I never gave.

I think that sometimes we need to cry and yet I do not want to upset my children or have them scared or worried about me, they are still so little. So often we stuff things down, we ignore the pain for a little longer, but it really does not make it go away. The feelings and the sadness are not there as often, time really is a great healer, but when they do resurface they are as fresh and raw as ever and in that regard, where is the healing?

And so I will post pictures from Bryttain's birthday tomorrow, as life goes on and deserves to be celebrated and she of all the people I know, is full of life and joy.