It never ends...

Monday may have been a holiday and there may not have been school, but the house still needing tidying and laundry had to be done (it may or may not have been LONG overdue), so I put the minions to work.

What good kids. I really should do that more often. :)

Eight!

Last weekend was his birthday. Eight years old...I seriously do not know how this happened. I think back to all the times he was a baby and I was told to "Enjoy every moment, because they grow up so fast..." and I feel his childhood slipping away. I cannot stop it, it's like trying to stop water running through my fingers.

This boy changed our life, forever. What a gentle introduction to parenthood he was and continues to be; he loves to please, he is a peacemaker and a rule follower, sensitive, kind and thoughtful. Yet my heart breaks for him as I see some of the struggles he has had to face this year, the problems he has encountered and had to deal with on his own. To feel helpless as a parent and not be able to fix the problems, to know that at times he can feel so alone. A new school and trying to make new friends, it has been hard. He is not one to impose himself on others and he plays it safe. He feels so deeply, I know that this will at times be both a huge blessing and sometimes feel like a curse.

My prayer for him this year is that he will grow in boldness. That he will feel safe and loved and find his voice. That he will worry less about what others think and first and foremost be sure of what he believes to be true and right, so that he can be confident and unshaken. There needs to be much prayer and I feel challenged...

We did not have a party this year, but he asked to see a movie with his cousins and have a sleepover, so that is what we did on Friday night. We took them all to see Journey 2: The Mysterious Island and then we went out for pizza. It was a late night with children talking way past their bedtime. I love the relationship he has with his cousin though, I love that they can talk for hours and that they really 'get' each other. He truly is the closest he has ever come to having a brother. I loved hearing their little voices and wondering what on earth they could still be talking about as 10:30pm rolled around. So sweet!

On Sunday we had a couple of other friends over for lunch so that the kids could play together and his birthday would not feel forgotten. Just the two families we are closest to, but our little house here felt very full, the children by far outnumber the adults now. It has been fun to watch all these children growing up together and starting to see the people they will become. We all have adventures ahead of us.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful boy!

Valentine's Day

So how it works here for my kids in school, is that all of the kids give all of their classmates Valentines. It wasn't that way when I was in school and it was pretty depressing, year after year to never get one. Here it is more about friendship, I assume, and of course fairness and not wanting anyone to feel left out. In previous years I have run out last minute and bought store-made cards, which normally came with a candy of some sort attached. I was determined this year to keep it simple but make it a little more personal. I took pictures of the kids and we attached a lollipop to each one. They each wrote the names of their 20+ classmates and then Asia, who had insisted she didn't want me to take a photograph of her, fell apart last night as we put theirs together, so I whipped out my flash and umbrella and backdrop stand and took a couple of snaps of her, which I sent off this morning to Costco and picked up at lunch time. Whew! I printed them all wallet size and I think they turned out pretty cute.

To Bryttain's I added the text 'Blowing you hearts and kisses and Valentine wishes. Love from Bryttain.

Arran's said 'Happy Valentine's Day spelled backwards is "Yad Senitnelav Yppah," which means "silly Sucker" in Cherub language. Cupid told me! '
We cut slits at the top and bottom of his hand and fed the lollipop through so it looked like he was actually holding it. (For my British friends - Americans sometimes call lollipops suckers)

Asia wrote her own message (hence the spelling mistake - who cares? She is amazing) But she wouldn't change into a more photogenic outfit for me. Her little laugh makes up for it though. She just handed hers out to a few friends here where we live.

Don't mind me, but I happen to think my kids are stinkin' CUTE!!!! Happy Valentine's Day eveyone.

On being a mother...

Today has been a beautiful spring-like day, the sun has shone, I have felt the warmth on my skin and although I realize it is still winter and we desperately need more rain, I am grateful. If I had been cooped up indoors, in dismal weather, it would have been harder. It is seven years today since the phone call, the message left on the answering machine, in the early hours of the morning, that mom was dead.

I allow myself to think about it more often on the anniversary, and on her birthdays. I cannot pretend that it is normal yet, it has had to become the new normal, because it is fact, but there is nothing normal about it. How many times have there been when I would have loved to pick up the phone and just have a little chat? We all have good days and bad days in our parenting and how I would have loved to know how she did it all with five kids, when there are days that I am pulling my hair out at three. They are great kids, just kids being kids, but some days my patience is much thinner, or I am more tired and more easily frustrated and to be able to be reassured by someone as safe as a mother, your mother, not just another woman or a friend, that that is really ok, without judgement would be wonderful.

I long to hear the stories of myself at the same age and the things that maybe I did that would drive her crazy, or my brothers or sister (after all, I'm sure I was the perfect child). I do not remember my mother ever shouting at me...ever! Was she more patient? Have I just blocked it from my memory? So many questions and wondering that will, forever, go unanswered.

A little earlier this afternoon my sweet Asia came to the door with her hand behind her back and told me she had a surprise. It was a little bunch of weedy yellow flowers, that she presented me with a great joy. I was so happy and blessed that even while she was out playing with her friends she would think of me and find pleasure in stopping to do something that she knew I would love.  I love it! I love her! I love them!

Did my mother have those moments? Were we that same blessing? I really do hope so. She was not a woman overly expressive with her emotions but I hope that we brought her that joy. I hope that she enjoyed being a mother as much as I do. I know she did, she was always the one who would tell me, in my years of being adamant that I did not want children, that it would be different when I had my own. She knew!

It is strange to think that she would have felt about us, as I feel about my children. It makes me see her so differently, knowing the love that I have for my kids, is what she had for me. There is so much that she would have loved to see and hear, but instead I just have some memories and my gratitude for all that she did for us. 

15+ years

This morning (as I was looking for something else) I found some old journals. The first one I picked up was from when I had returned home from my DTS, back in 1996 and as I started reading it I came to this entry, just after a weekend visit back to the same base;

"...I met a guy called James, on the BLS there, who's really nice - he made me laugh and I know if I'd been there long-term he could make, easily, for distraction. We just got on really well and I'd love to get to know him better. We're a long way apart but who knows, if it is in God's plans it will work and if not, then I'm not going to worry about it. I've written to him to say hi and say I'd like to keep in touch"

I went on to write some other stuff, but later in the same entry

"...I don't need someone I've only met for four days to be majoring in my thoughts."...ahem...it was already a problem.

Well, last month we celebrated 15 years of marriage! It's strange to think back to that time when we first met and it was fun to read my thoughts surrounding it. I had no clue, obviously, that we would end up here, but he made a deep impression right at the start. He still impresses me and I have so much respect and love and admiration for this man I was blessed enough to marry. Fifteen years sounds like a long time, but it has not felt long.

We were married in England, in January and needless to say, it was cold, it had snowed! Because he was American and once we were married he had to change his visa status, we had not been able to leave the country for our honeymoon, so that was cold too. Our anniversaries have always been wet and cold (yes even here in California). We always kind of hoped to go somewhere lovely and warm for our tenth anniversary, but when that rolled around we were serving with YWAM in Chico and had (less than) no money, no time, and no one to look after our children.

As this anniversary approached I started dreaming again. It seemed totally unrealistic to be able to get away, but our anniversary falls close to a holiday and it was a holiday for James from school as well as the kids from their school, so we started thinking 'maybe just a long weekend'?

James on a whim asked some good friends, half jokingly (I think), if they would watch the kids and they amazingly said yes. We had some air miles saved, which covered one of our flights and all of a sudden it was becoming reality.

Puerto Vallarta baby! Mexico sun!

We had never left our kids before to do something like this and it felt extravagant and surreal. We did miss them terribly, not that we pined, but we are so used to being us, a family, that it felt like something was missing. They are fun to be with and at such fun ages that we really do enjoy them. At the same time, it was good to make time for just the two of us and be together without the responsibility of caring for the needs of the children. We were able to eat what we wanted, stay up as late as we wanted, come and go as we pleased. Just 'be' together.

Yup I adore him!!!

It was a good experience, we loved where we stayed  - Hacienda Las Animas, loved the weather, loved that we got to share some of the experience with good friends who can now share some of those memories with us.

(All the rest are i-phone photos)

 Our good friends John & Alice were also in town, celebrating their tenth

 Our very first night, we had dinner alongside the river. Great Mexican food, so happy to be together.

It was an easy walk to town, but James took great pleasure in making this bridge bounce as much as he could, just to try to unnerve me.

 One of my favorite days - we walked to town, met our buddies, rode a bus to Boca, then hiked to Playa las Animas for lunch. It was a beautiful hike, passing wonderful beaches to reach our final destination. We rode a boat taxi back to Boca then bused it 'home'.

The one thing I wish we had done differently would have been to pack a lunch and enjoy it on one of the beautiful beaches along the way, instead of at Las Animas which was full of tourists. Still fun though.

Cheesy? Maybe. Most certainly true though :)

Oakland Zoo

At the beginning of the year I jumped on a deal from Mamapedia and bought us a family pass for the Oakland Zoo. It was a great deal (which of course I love), where the pass for the whole year cost us the same as making one visit. Saturday was our first time using our passes.

When Arran was little we used to take him to the San Francisco Zoo on the free days quite often,  and he loved it, but then they changed the rules and restricted the free days so that only those actually living in the city could get in for free. It was never a zoo that I loved, to be honest, I just loved that he enjoyed it so much. We had only been to the Oakland Zoo one time before, on Arran's first birthday, so it felt pretty new to all of us.

The amphibian displays have always been a hit with Arran, and of course they all love the petting zoo areas.

 Giraffes are so amazing. Asia really wanted to see them and they were the first animals she looked for on the map.

The weather was great and it always feels good to get outdoors and enjoy it. We certainly got some exercise with all that walking and the kids ended up exhausted (as evidenced by the sudden increase in whining towards the end) so much so that all three fell asleep on the way home. The girls have been know to fall asleep on occasion if they are really tired, but for Arran to do that at his age, well that was quite the surprise, we really wore them out.

Moving on...

There is so much catching up to do that I keep putting it off, but the more I put it off the greater the time span to be caught up on grows. I just need to jump back in, sadly realizing that some things were missed and I can try to fill in the gaps retroactively...but also acknowledge, that realistically, that may never happen (sigh).

In a nutshell, about six months ago, we moved from Petaluma to Mill Valley (both in California and in fact, only about 45 minutes away from one another). It has been a big change, in many ways, for us. The reason for our long and arduous move, is that James enrolled in Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary and we have moved into student housing. As one might imagine, this was a considerable downsize for a family of five. We are blessed that this campus has family housing, not just standard dorms, so we do have our own space, although it is small and basic.

The two older children started at a new school and have had to make new friends and I no longer get to see my old close friends nearly as much as I would like. There have been many transitions and I think we are still trying to find our new rhythm here together. Life seems very busy (hence my lack of posting) and there are frustrations and challenges at times, but at the end of the day we are happy and healthy and continuing to move forward and growing.

The children have other children on campus to play with, every day, which they have never had before and they love it. The grounds feel very safe and they are afforded more freedom, as everyone watches out for everyone else and older children happily play with and accept the younger children.

James is working very hard both in his business and with his studies and doing well, so I am immensely proud of him. We just (in January) celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary and for the first time left our children for a few days, to enjoy the sun and spend some quality time together, it was quite surreal!

I will try to get back into the swing of things and get back to documenting our little life. This is my way of recording memories for the kids to look back on and for those of you we don't get to see very often to be able to see how much they are growing and what we are up to.