Who would have thought?

I find myself in a strange emotional state right now. I am about to leave my husband and children for the first time and up until now have been in denial as to how that will truly affect me. In the last couple of days I have found myself observing them in their every day activities and interactions, more closely, and realizing just how much I am going to miss every little detail. I have been avoiding even thinking about it, for fear of the flood of emotion, but it is becoming unavoidable.

It takes a good reason for me to leave, and in this instance it is my brother's wedding. This will be an important day for him and I truly debated whether or not to go...there is financial outlay, as well as the emotional upheaval, but I feel like I need to be there. He is my family, my flesh and blood and of course with mum no longer here, I feel, even more, that I have to be there.

I doubt that I will know what to do with myself, maybe I will just sit and rock in a corner as the tears roll down my cheeks? Well that would be awfully silly! I plan on catching up on some sleep, maybe some reading, some old friends, and we will see what else. No doubt I will write about it here and maybe even include some photos.

Of course, I have to make it there first, which is another stress in and of itself. I will be flying stand-by and with that comes no guarantees. The first flight I am listed on is on Monday morning at 7:30am, which means I have to leave my house at 3:00am to get the airporter to be there on time, I will most definitely need some extra sleep at the other end to recover from that one!

Happy Father's Day

These three little munchkins adore their daddy! He is such a wonderful father, so caring, fun, loving and kind. When he walks in the door at the end of the day, yells of

"DADDY! DADDY!"

erupt as they run to fling arms around his waist, or knees. Asia does a daddy's-home-dance which consists of running round the kitchen in a circle as fast as she can (which is not very fast).

He has so much love to give to those in his life. He wears his heart on his sleeve and we are all better people for being loved by him. I love to see him with his children, he does not hold back any part of himself and showers them with love and affection. There is no fear, they know they are safe and loved and cherished.

Happy Father's Day my love! Thank you for being the best daddy and giving me the amazing gift of these beautiful children.

Me and my girl

There are never enough photographs of me with my kids, because I'm always the one behind the camera. So about a year ago I decided to be more intentional about setting up the tripod or handing the camera to other people. When Asia was just a few months old, I was quite consistent, but I have slacked off and need to get back on top of it.

It might be an awful thought, but if anything were to happen to me, it would break my heart to think that my children did not even have photographs to look back on, of us together. I am with them every day, but there is rarely documentation to that effect.

Last weekend we were at a party of some good friends of ours, I actually had a bit of makeup on (which really does help, although lack of it should not be a hindrance) so I grabbed Asia, handed the camera to James and asked him to take a few shots. A couple of them actually turned out pretty well, which encourages me to keep doing this.

Sweet dreams

I LOVE it when my children are sleeping. No, it is not just the peace and quiet (which I do enjoy) it is being able to peek at them, peaceful, all innocence, it just blesses me. When they are napping, or at night before I go to bed, I just cannot help myself, I have to catch a glimpse and have my breath taken away once again. I am never disappointed.

Yesterday at nap time, Bryttain was being a little monkey. She was in and out and up and down, long before the other two had crashed. I myself was desperately tired (once again due to Miss Bryttain who continues to insist on waking up EVERY night around 12-1am, since the forced departure of her dummy/pacifier) so I suggested she lay down with me and cuddle. That lasted all of five minutes. She informed me that she wanted to go back to her bed, then a few minutes later asked if she could sleep in her room on her dog. I was approaching la-la land by that point and told her groggily that was fine.

It was about ten minutes later that it registered what she had asked and that it was finally quiet, so I forced myself to go and investigate. There, lying in the middle of the kitchen floor, fast asleep was my precious girl, who had finally crashed. She was indeed on top of the kids' huge dog with a blanket.

It was too cute, and ridiculous all at once. I have no clue how she comes up with these ideas.

Oh hi doggy! Please forgive me for all the times I have wanted to get rid of you
because you are so big. You were made for such a time as this!

MY baby

I look at Asia now, my baby, but it seems there is not much baby left. She is growing up so quickly.

I adore everything about her; her big blue eyes, her chubby cheeks and legs and belly, the way she reaches up her little arms when she wants a cuddle. She is my little shadow, always with me. She loves to be with me, sitting on my lap, grabbing my legs, whenever I sit down, she is the first to clamber up.

She loves to dance, any time she hears music, she instinctively starts to move. Her little shoulders start to shimmy and a grin breaks out across her face, before you know it her hips are moving and she's twirling or jumping.

She is determined and adventurous and resourceful. She does not expect everything to be done for her, she figures out ways to help herself, to achieve what she needs. She is full of laughter and joy and I cannot help but smile when she is around.

I am SO in love!

Precious moments

Well my friend Melinda, who let me take some maternity shots of her a few weeks back, had her baby a little over a week ago. Ever since, I had been itching to get over there and have my first attempts at newborn photography.

Well it finally happened!

James had a meeting canceled, so I jumped on it and called right away (as I needed him to be around to watch our little ones), flew to the city, drove around forever trying to find parking, then raced back home. It was an adventure.

Little 'Miss A' is adorable. I got a little teary-eyed holding her, in all her new tiny perfection, knowing that I would never hold a newborn of my own again (not withstanding a miracle of course). It's such a precious, wonderful stage of life, that is gone in the blink of an eye.

This is exactly why I love photography so much; I live so much in the present that it is hard for me to remember, as I look at my children now, how they were. Photos can take me back there, bring the memories and feelings flooding back in an instant. What a privilege to be able to help preserve that for others too.

She refused to sleep for me, which you would not know from the photos. Here is a little sneak peek.

How to break a mother's heart

This morning was Asia's 18 month check-up and Arran also had to have a TB test. All was fine until we walked into the Dr.'s office; Asia must have suddenly had a flash-back and turned around to grab my legs as she started wailing and Arran darted under the chair to hide. To top it all off, the nurse informed me that the doctor would be running late as another doctor was sick and so our doctor was absorbing some of the sick doctor's patients. Joy oh joy, we had extra time for the anticipation to build!

When the male nurse came in to do Arran's shot, Arran completely lost it, sending Asia, who had since calmed down, back into total terror. There I was holding a screaming baby, trying to coax out my five year old who was adamant that this was not going to happen. The nurse looked at me, looked at them and said he would go and get someone to help. Another nurse came back in with him and I suggested that she hold Asia so I could help deal with Arran. Asia was not happy, but Arran did not need to be held down by strangers at this point. Unfortunately it was not enough. Poor Arran was yelling and screaming and struggling so much that the nurse had to go and get a third helper. My poor boy was crying

"Mommy! Save me!"

as we finally did the deed. It really was horrible.

Needless to say...there are NO photos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arran's questions of the day

As we were driving to church yesterday, these are just some of the questions Arran bombarded me with

"Mommy...did God create aliens?"

"Mommy...does space go on forever?"

"Mommy...is heaven before or after space?"

"Mommy...is there air in heaven?"

The stuff that memories are made of!

Arran has such a phenomenal memory and constantly astounds me with the level of detail he remembers. Last Summer, a family from our church (who also happen to be the parents of good friends of ours) opened up their garden for picnics after church and would invite everybody over. The kids loved it.

Ever since the weather has started to improve, Arran has asked, on more than one occasion, when we could go back to Gracie's Grandma's house? Well this weekend was the weekend!

The weather was lovely, the kids did great and had so much fun all just hanging out, being kids, playing, eating, paddling, splashing. These are the things that I want to be etched in their memories. The memories of childhood.

I think the only thing missing was watermelon!

Cars

This weekend was Petaluma's Salute to American Graffiti. Most of the memorable scenes were filmed downtown, so it conveniently provided one more excuse for Petaluma to have another celebration.

It was a blazing hot day and we were long done before Arran was even close to being ready to leave. I had told him that I wanted him to choose his favourite car to take a picture with, so the hunt was on. There were all sorts of classic cars and he loved it. The Cars movie was one of his early favourites and these were all classic cars so he completely related them to that. He was determined to find a 'Lizzie' and fortunately just as we were about to turn into complete puddles of sweat, he found her.

Hurray for friends!

I love taking photographs of my kids and creating a visual memory of some of the things that we do together. So often they feel like snapshots, which have a true worth of their own, but one day, when my children are older, I would love to do more with my photography. For now I am reading and practicing and learning as much as I can.

To achieve our dreams, we need to have specific goals and take steps to actually reach them, to not just keep dreaming. Very rarely will things 'just happen' without some work to 'get there'.

A step I need to take is practicing outside of my family, so last week I took my first ever maternity photos. My guinea pig was a good friend of mine. She is tall and beautiful and despite being in the last weeks of her pregnancy, looks amazing and was a true sport. The lighting conditions were not ideal as it was the middle of the day, but her Mom had graciously agreed to watch all four kids (my three and her one) so we could do this and that added to working around nap times...well I'm just grateful to get whatever I can. Hopefully in a couple of weeks there will be a gorgeous little newborn to practice on too.

I am still wading through and editing the results, which has been a lot more time consuming than I had anticipated, but I am learning and enjoying it. If only I had more time. I am about half way through on black and white conversions, before tackling a few to try as color.

Here is just a little sneak peak!

Mother's Day

Sunday was Mother's Day. For some reason, Father's Day is celebrated on the same day in England as in America, but the Mother's Days are months apart. This is good for me. I was always able to celebrate my mum on the English version, and the American version was my day, which means (as I realized this year) Mother's Day is not tinged with sadness for me, now that my mum is no longer here.

I LOVE being a mum, more than I ever knew or could have imagined I would. I LOVE my kids. The honour of watching them grow, not only in stature but in character and personality. The joy of being a part of their achievements as they reach different milestones. Their unconditional love.

These have been such precious years; such a time of closeness. I see the changes ahead and am excited and sad at the same time. They will always be my babies, but their need for me will lessen, their desire to be with me at all times will diminish. I will once again have to find a new identity, outside of being a mother. It still seems hard to imagine, so for now I will revel in the moment, in the pleasure and joy that they bring.

I am blessed indeed.

Life's a beach

What a great weekend. The weather is so nice again, very warm, but not hot, just perfect for being outdoors. So Saturday morning we packed up a picnic lunch and headed out to Fort Cronkite beach.

It was so much fun. All the kids are at the stage now, where they can enjoy it in their own way. Asia has passed the crawling and eating sand stage and is happy to sit relatively close by and just dig forever and Arran and Bryttain as well as loving to dig, had a blast playing chicken with the waves. They were so cute, they really are best buddies and play so well together, I just love to watch them. They would inch closer and closer to the water's edge and then as the incoming waves got nearer and nearer, they would spin and yell and scream as they raced back up the beach towards us. They did this over, and over, and over again. It was their best workout in months.

James and I were able to just lie there and watch them, without hovering incessantly, it was perfect. The simple things can bring so much pleasure. Just seeing the grins on their faces as they would run and jump, was contagious.

Bryttain my beauty

Bryttain has been without her dummy (pacifier) since April 18th. The original plan was that her third birthday would mark the end of that era, but as we had a long flight ahead of us two days after, not to mention the jet lag, we decided to postpone it for a few weeks. The landmark was moved to daddy's return from Mexico.

It has been hard for ALL of us!

One of the hardest things for me to deal with has been the fact that naps came to a screeching halt. This little girl has so much energy, and now cannot seem to calm herself or stop and be still long enough to fall asleep. It gets frustrating, but today, as James was home at just the right time, I decided instead of letting it get to me, to use the opportunity to spend some time with my beauty and take some photos.

Needless to say, she was very excited to not have to be quiet and in her bed and jumped at the chance to put on a dress...but it was short lived. It was fun for all of fifteen minutes. Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

Here she is singing and dancing...she really is so much fun and full of life.

Love her!

Priceless

I love the things my kids come up with:

Asia is trying to say so much right now. Her favourite word of the moment is 'No'. She doesn't say it in a belligerent or aggressive manner, or yell it, but she purses her cute little lips and and says "Noo OOoo", with a little inflection in the middle. It's very clear and unmistakable and has appeared far too soon. As I was holding her yesterday she, in her own gentle loving way gouged my eye as she said "Aeye", then poked my nose and said "Nooooo", then grabbed my hair and said "Hay'. James was standing nearby and I was curious what her answer would be as I asked "Where's Daddy's hair?". Without missing a beat, she reached across and patted his face :)

Last night as I was picking up clothes from the kids' bedroom floor, Bryttain told me she had seen a fly. Apparently it had 'told' her that it would like to be a part of our family as it didn't have a mummy or daddy of it's own...at least that was her story and she was sticking to it.

Arran had his own brilliant idea as we were driving home from Costco (also yesterday). He saw a 'No Smoking' sign and asked why it was there. As I explained about the health risks, and also expressed my undisguised disgust for smoking, he suggested "They should put no smoking signs over the WHOLE world!" He'd make a great future world leader, huh?!

Butter and Eggs and lots of Princesses

Saturday morning started out with a trip downtown. Once a year Petaluma hosts a Butter and Eggs Day Parade and celebration which some 25,000 people attend. It celebrates Petaluma's rich agricultural history as one of the premier dairy regions in the country. Together with The Petaluma River, eggs and dairy products created an economy that turned our town into one of the most prosperous communities in the state in the early 1900’s.

We were not able to stay very long as we had nap times to deal with, but we piled the kids in their wagon and wandered around for a while. They were so cute - Arran and Bryttain took turns holding Asia on their laps and she loved every second of it.

Of course Arran wanted to wear his superhero cape, again. I still can't believe how much he loves to wear that thing, especially when we are going out somewhere!

In the afternoon, was cousin Michaelanne's princess birthday party. We'd been looking forward to this for over a month and Bryttain was especially excited to dress up as a princess. Asia was still napping when I needed to leave, so the plan was for James to follow with Arran and Asia when she awoke, and for Bryttain and I to be there for the start of the party. Well as usual all our best plans were shot down.

Our fifteen minute drive to Novato ended up taking two hours (fortunately Bryttain fell asleep for part of it). There had been an accident on the freeway and the traffic was backed up forever. On top of the backed up traffic, James van then started to overheat and I had to pull off at a gas station to let it cool down. Why do these types of things happen when I'm driving his van?!

We finally made it, in time for the last fifteen minutes of the official party! It was so sad! Fortunately, Bryttain did not realize that she had missed out on a 'real' princess who had been at the party, the kids still got to eat cake and bounce in the princess bouncy castle and have fun with their cousins.

The big girls helping Asia


Bouncing princess in the very pink princess bouncy castle (boy knights outside)


Asia completely adores her Uncle Ireland.


The birthday princess herself, after carefully applying her purple lip gloss!

Shear madness?

A haircut has been long overdue for Arran and with the temperature being up to 90 degrees the last couple of days, it was time to take action. We went out to the front porch, armed with scissors and clippers...and now he has a new do, the shortest he's ever had.

He loves it!

I'm still getting used to it, it is a big change.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

This is what greeted me as I walked into the bathroom this morning to brush my teeth.

It took me a few moments to put two and two together, and then it dawned on me that Bryttain, my creative little three-year-old had once again cut her hair. I was so sad and upset. It has taken forever for her last little attempt at hair design to grow out, and her hair is so fine and needs every last strand it can get.

So she now has some interesting 'layers' on each side of her face. At some point this week I may see if I can tidy things up a little (she helped clean up the mess she had made, I'm talking about the mess around her face), but am no expert by any means. Of course she is still beautiful, but it is such a shame to see her with her very poor attempt at a mullet.

The Hunt

It was Easter Sunday, I had prepared in advance; the girls' and my dresses were ironed, I had my mental list of all the things I needed to gather and take with us for the day ahead. Asia's pac 'n play, noise maker, blanket, monitors, booster sit, bib, spare nappies, kitchen sink...well that's what it feels like sometimes. On top of it being a longer day, it was also meant to be an earlier start. Breakfast before church and trying to get all three kids ready on my own, as James had had to leave even earlier for his music practice.

Of course nothing goes as planned and everything that could go wrong did. I had to do more ironing, could not find matching socks for the girls, or cardigans, I snagged my tights on the Velcro on Arran's sneakers as I was reaching past him to strap Bryttain into her car seat, all of which meant we missed the breakfast, but made it just in time for the first song - oh dear.

From then on though, I am glad to report that things did improve. The weather was great and the kids had such fun hunting for eggs. Arran was so serious about it this year, and Bryttain never lets anything stop her anyway (especially if there is candy involved). Asia got right into the swing of it and totally amazed me. They were all so adorable.

After a great lunch at our pastor and wife's house, the kids had another egg hunt and bagged even more goodies. They had so much fun and were fully able to appreciate the real meaning of Easter...candy-filled eggs, right?!

Dying Eggs

Saturday morning we headed over to our friends' house to dye eggs with the kids, for the church egg hunt Easter morning. Between us all we dyed around 140 eggs and filled close to 200 eggs with candy. It's a good thing there were a crew of us as it was no small task.